When I was little, the beginning of December always meant that my mother would sit my sister and I down to help us write our letters to Santa Claus. The letters were always predictable:
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good little boy all year…. blah blah blah…. Please bring me blah blah blah… Please remember all the little boys and girls in hospitals and orphanages… blah blah blah…. Milk and cookies… blah blah blah.
Love,
Gift Grubbing Kid
We would then send our letters to be published in the local newspaper, along with virtually identical letters from every other kid in town. We’d also post the letters to the North Pole just in case Santa didn’t pick up the Evening Telegram that day, courtesy of Canada Post.
While this was an endearing tradition, it was only marginally effective. No matter how many times I asked for a dirt bike or a dinosaur, it would never appear under the tree on Christmas morning. At first I thought it was because Santa could only carry so much in his sleigh; in later years, I even questioned whether Santa was actually real. But I have come to realize that the problem was actually with my letter writing technique. As I have learned from writing countless cease and desist letters, your demands are only as effective as your demand letter. With Christmas less than four weeks away, I offer you my list of tips for writing a firm but friendly letter to Santa. Consider it my Christmas gift to you!
- Address it right - For years, Canada Post has perpetuated the myth that Santa’s mailing address is “North Pole, H0H 0H0″. Truth be told, this is the address for his central letter sorting facility in northwestern Iqaluit. There are also sites out there that claim you can email Santa- again, not true. He has a team of elves in Mumbai who read and respond to these messages. If you want Santa to actually see your letter, you need to send it to him directly. His home address is 147 Narwhal Terrace, Suite 930, North Pole. Mark it “Personal and Confidential” and pay the extra cost for registered mail and signature on delivery. Don’t give the man in red the option of using the “I didn’t receive your letter!” excuse. He’s notorious for that and has been using that line for years to screw me out of a new Porsche.
- Be concise - Santa’s a busy man, and if you want him to take you seriously you have to be direct and concise. Let him know why you’re writing and that you mean business:
“I am a male youth currently resident in Toronto, Canada. I write at this time with respect to my Christmas demands for the 2008 Holiday Season.”
- State the facts - Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by subjective assessments of “naughty” or “nice”. Life is full of grey areas, and nobody can really say whether your decision to paint racing strips on your dad’s car or to set fire to a small wooded area was “good” or “bad”. Stick to the facts, and emphasize the positive aspects of your behaviour while giving specific examples:
“During the year ending 24 December 2008, I was not convicted of any indictable offences for which a pardon has not been obtained, nor was I charged with any offences related to Schedule I, III, or IV drugs under the Controlled Drugs and Substances Act.”
- Deal with the elephant in the room - Some people like to ignore the glaring weaknesses in their case, but failing to address these concerns may harm your credibility. Tackle these problems head on and deal with them on your terms:
“While circumstantial evidence has tied me to an unfortunate incident involving Mrs. Foley’s cat, at age 18 and in declining health it is likely that the spray paint was at most a minor contributing factor to Fluffy’s demise.”
- Set your demands - Make your requirements crystal clear.
“As my behaviour has met the minimum acceptable standards for inclusion on your “nice list”, you are hereby directed to deliver the following items to my residence on or before 25 December 2008:
- One Zippo lighter;
- One Xbox 360 with an accompaniment of Mature 17+ rated video games;
- One Crossman Nightstalker Semi-Automatic Air Rifle; and
- One Yamaha YZ125 dirt bike;
- Don’t forget those less fortunate - Show your softer side, but don’t let that softer side make you look bad. While my mom would always make us reference children who were poor or ill, doing so is sure to bum Santa out and cause him to focus on those who really are more deserving than you are. Instead, show your compassion in a way that will makes you look like a deserving little angel by comparison:
“Please also remember all those little boys and girls in youth detention centres and al-Qaeda training camps.”
- Provide incentives - Santa is a genuinely good-hearted man, but he has needs too. Let him know that he stands to benefit as much as you do:
“Upon delivery of the above listed items, you will be provided with a signed release pertaining to any claims arising from the 2008 holiday season, together with 250mL of 2% milk and two (2) chocolate chip cookies. I will also provide you with a medium sized bag of lichen for your reindeer.”
- Emphasize common ground… - Show Santa that you both share the same ultimate goal:
“I trust the foregoing to be sufficient. We both share common wishes for this holiday season- a Christmas that is filled with peace, joy and happiness,…”
- …But flex your muscles a little bit:
“… and free from reindeer fatalities.”
- Finish with a flourish - Finally, sign off with a signature that is illegible, as it will make you look more professional. And don’t forget to make use of the technique I like to call the “power copy”- cc your letter strategically to ensure that Santa knows who else will be taking an interest in his response.
“Love, MGL
cc: Hanukkah Harry”
With a letter like this, you’re sure to find some pleasant surprises under the tree on Christmas morning. Merry Christmas!
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One Crossman Nightstalker Semi-Automatic Air Rifle????
You’ll shoot your eye out!
OMG I just spit coffee on my monitor… funniest thing I’ve read in a long time…
Well done, thanks for making my day.
P.S. And a new 42″ monitor for George.
Reading this post, you would definitely get a kick out of “Hey Santa, I Appeal,” from our CD, “Merry Lexmas From The Lawtunes.” Check out the clip at http://www.LawTunes.com. Thanks.
Hilarious!
We’re trying the nice-guy-with-a-touch-of-humour approach again this year; it’s worked in the past, though I don’t know how effective it will be when mom’s not helping with the lists…
http://mommyhoodconfidential.wordpress.com
Gotta give those post office workers something to read other than ‘gimme gimme gimme’ once in a while- Simon got a hand-written note on the back of his form letter back from Santa a few years ago.
Promise you’ll let us know how this strategy works out for you- I still haven’t received that pony I kept asking for all those years.
You need a “please govern yourself accordingly” line!
@Scott - Nice “A Christmas Story” reference. I’d love to have one of those leg lamps for my living room, by wifey has vetoed the idea.
@George and Gregory - Thanks for stopping by. I accept no liability for ruined monitors.
@Law Tunes- That’s some funny stuff. I’ve forwarded on that link to a bunch of lawyer-types.
@Allison- I’ve often wondered if the post office workers (sorry, the elves) keep some of the real “gems” they must get…
@Thicken My Wallet - Good catch! The classic finish to any lawyer’s letter.
Dear Santa,
How’s everything at The North Pole? Please tell Mrs. Claus, The Elves, The Reindeer, and The Animals that I said hi. I like your web site. Hope you’re doing well.
Dear Santa,
I want you to know do you know to make a labtop and a Nintendo wii. But one thing,
how’s the Reindeer going and the Elves. Are they going good as useful that they could
be. :D???????????
I am just a little curious about homeowners liability and property damages, occurring from Santa’s reindeer. . Or is Santa and his reindeer fully covered.