I’m generally a bit of a patriotic prat when it comes to all things Canadian, but today I must break with that tradition. I am fully prepared for the slings and arrows that shall surely come from my fellow countrymen as I proclaim this heresy- American Thanksgiving totally kicks Canadian Thanksgiving’s ass.
It’s not that I don’t like my own Thanksgiving celebrations at the beginning of October- I really do. I even feel a little smug in the fact that our celebrations actually predate those of our southern neighbor and can be traced back to Martin Frobisher in 1578, and reflect our unique Canuck identity. But just like the little Jewish boy who secretly wishes that Santa would descend his chimney for a change, I’m a little envious of all that my Yankee brethren get to enjoy today. And ultimately, they trounce us in just about every measurement or comparison of holiday-goodness there is:
- Timing - The Canadian Thanksgiving celebration on the second Monday in October reflects our shorter growing season and less hospitable climate. While it may be logical, it’s a less-than-ideal time for a holiday. In early October we’re still recovering from summer’s sweet kiss and enjoying a relaxed and temperate fall. Come late November, we’re stressed, cold, broke, and sore from raking leaves (and possibly shoveling snow). That’s when we really need a holiday the most! Advantage: USA.
- Parades - In major Canadian centres, you might get an occasional small Thanksgiving Day parade or a tacky display in a shop window. The Americans, however, get to enjoy spectacles that make all other parades look like shoddy lineups for a soup kitchen. Advantage: USA.
- Shopping - The Canadian post-Thanksgiving shopping experience? Picking up Halloween candy at Wal-Mart. The American equivalent? Black Friday. ‘Nuff said. Advantage: USA.
- Long Weekend - The American “Thanksgiving on a Thursday” tradition is pure brilliance and American know-how at its best, as it lends itself wonderfully to that holy grail of non-vacation vacations, the four day weekend. Canadian Thanksgiving falls on a Monday, making it a little harder to stretch it out. It can be done, but it’s not nearly as graceful. Advantage: USA.
- Football - If there’s one comment I post on this blog that’s likely to get a Hoser Fatwa placed on my head, it’s this: Canadian. Football. Sucks. A CFL double header cannot even begin to compare to a full day of college and NFL Classics- top athletes playing, you know, real football.
Advantage: USA. - Funny Hats - Those pilgrim hats with the belt buckles? Awesome. What funny hats do Canadians get for Thanksgiving? None. And that’s just not fair. Advantage: USA.
- Beer - I had to throw in something here to redeem Canada a little bit. Our holiday might suck almost as much as our football, but when you’re watching the big game, or the parade, or the turkey in the oven, a Canadian beer will beat that watery American slop every time. Advantage: Canada!
So there you have it- in the MGL Thanksgiving Classic, the American Thanksgiving humiliated the Canadian Thanksgiving 6-1. God Bless America!
Vintage Thanksgiving postcard by riptheskull.
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Oh, you’re gonna get hate mail for this one….
I’m writing a letter to have your citizenship revoked. But I think Canada comes out on top in most of your categories:
1) Timing - November already has a holiday, October doesn’t.
2) Parades - Watch the Macy’s parade on TV.
3) Shopping- Have you seen the crowds for Black Friday?!?
4) Long Weekend - Call in sick on the Friday before like everyone else does…
5) Football - Cdn football is bigger, faster, and higher scoring.
6) Funny hats - I’ll get you a Burger King crown if it makes you feel better…
7) Beer - Finally, something we agree on!
I think I agree with MGL… Honestly, the American Thanksgiving has us beat.
Hence the moving…
1. Inuring yourself in the crowds on black Friday and having to pay the medical bills yourself because your Yankee health insurance won’t cover the costs? Advantage Canada.
2. Being forced to watch the Lions and Seahawks in useless midseason NFL action rather than near playoff action in the CFL? Advantage Canada
3. Parades? who cares?
4. Long weekend? Agreed, November already has one. Nice to spread them out.
5. Funny hats? Not funny.
6. Lawyer in NFLD with too much time on his hands spewing useless drivel to deter from the boredom that is living in NFLD in winter? Advantage - your reader - who should delete this site from his/her favourites page and encourage the blogger to research other blog sites that provide useful/creative information and research that is composed in an interesting and enjoyable format!
Told you that’d get hate mail!
@Go Stamps- You’re right, but that just means that I’m doing something right.
Thanks for the email…
@Cullen- Good points. Put a buckle on that BK crown and you might have me converted.
@FB- The Americans beat us at Thanksgiving, but Canadians do a much better Boxing Day. Is that enough to make you stay?
@Wow- Let me guess, Toronto?
Don’t feed the trolls, MGL! Wow probably just has a crush on you.
Best. Reply. Evar.
Thanksgiving here in Canada just seems to come and go without too much emphasis on the holiday. I find that the American thanksgiving is promoted to death, it is all you will hear about in tv on the weeks prior to. I feel that it is way too close to Christmas because a couple weeks later you go to do the whole dinner thing again. The only thing I wish we had was a Black Friday because I have seen some amazing deals in the U.S on this day.
I’m glad we don’t have Black Friday. Not having an official “season opener” for Christmas shopping means I don’t feel weird starting in July and then avoiding the crowds in December.
Also, crowded malls give me panic attacks.
At least we don’t have too many controversial “Pilgrims and Indians” school plays up here.
Black Friday deaths (known): 3 (4 if you count the embryo of uncertain age).
Parades: Nothing more fun that going to West 81st Street in NYC the night before to see the balloons =being prepped.= Having to watch the parade itself live (no deaths-by-float there in the past five years, iirc): reason to live in Montreal.
Your beer metric, though, should be adjusted for cost. (Especially if all the NHL tooks this year are sponsored by Bud effing LIGHT.)