Raisins, Pumpkins, and Whores - 10 Helpful Halloween “Don’ts”

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” - Linus

It’s been an awful, awful October for anyone with money in the markets, but Halloween is here to let you resolve your grief in a pile of candy wrappers and smashed pumpkins. But even though Halloween is a night when we celebrate all things spooky and dark, that isn’t carte blanche to be an idiot. Here is MGL’s list of 10 things you definitely should not do this Halloween:

1. Don’t give out raisins. Seriously. Giving kids raisins at Halloween is really just giving them a big, unadulterated “F*** you!” We all know that candy isn’t healthy, but Halloween isn’t about eating trail mix, hippy. 
2. But don’t be afraid to give out toothbrushes (if you’re a dentist). Lots of people hate it when dentists do this, but I think it’s cool. You’re carrying on a tradition handed down by countless generations of dentists who have gone before. Rock on, tooth doctors!
3. Don’t be a spoilsport. Don’t be one of those wieners who turn off the lights and pretends you’re not home. You’re not fooling anyone, and it’s just downright mean spirited. While it is annoying to have to answer the door every few minutes and shell out candy, you’re bringing joy to the neighborhood kids. Suck it up, Scrooge (or whatever the Halloween equivalent of Scrooge happens to be).
4. Don’t let the kids have all the fun. Halloween is one of the few days of the year when adults can play dress-up without being labeled “strange” (or “transvestite”). Enjoy it while you can. Squawkfox has a great list of 10 cheap last minute Halloween costume ideas for those who still haven’t decided what to be.
5. Don’t try to save money by buying candy a year in advance. Post-Halloween sales are a great way to get bulk loads of candy and chocolate for cheap. In reality, you’ll eat the entire supply by Nov. 15^th.
6. Don’t forget to carve a pumpkin. Even if you don’t have kids. Even if you’re not otherwise decorating. Even if you’re sitting home alone drinking Jack Daniels and crying. Pumpkin carving is a fun little activity that lets you showcase your creativity and artistic flare (or lack thereof). Save the seeds for toasting and use the pumpkin to make pie when Halloween is over. Or smash it to bits with a baseball bat- whatever brings you greater joy.
7. Don’t let your pets miss out on the fun. Animal costumes are degradingly awesome. ‘Nuff said.
8. Don’t drive too fast. Driving carefully is always a good idea, but remember that the streets will be teeming with kids on Halloween. Slow down and drive extra carefully, even if it means that getting home or to the party takes a few extra minutes.
9. Don’t let your daughter dress like a slut. Allison Wonder has posted on this topic a couple of times before, and she’s right on the money. Take a look at some of these examples to see what she’s talking about.  Don’t let your little girl dress like a sex object- prostitots are not cool. They’re just downright creepy. 
10. Don’t let yourself dress like a slut. Going to some Halloween parties is like going backstage at a strip club, but with a little less cocaine and a little more skankiness. The costume of choice for many younger women seems to be “sexy _________”, whether that’s sexy nurse, sexy cop, sexy witch, sexy nun, sexy rabbi, or sexy sex offender. Frankly, it’s not that sexy. I like boobs as much as anyone (probably a little more, actually), but camel toe and cleavage a costume does not make. If you want to be respected, respect yourself.

Have a safe, happy, and raisin-free Halloween!

Photo by LarimdaME.

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